Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
