He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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