I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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