I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
