I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
