DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize