I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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