sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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