You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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