I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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