If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
