3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
FUCK WHALES
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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