they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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