Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
