Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
