I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
