fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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