I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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