I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
