I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
