I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
