I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
