I wish I could teleport
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I AM VODKA MAN
I got inside last night via doggy door
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
