Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
