They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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