I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
