I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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