Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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