i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
