Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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