someone threw a dead crab at me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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