I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
