cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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