i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
