Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
