I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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