I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
