remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
