you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
