Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
