I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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