I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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