i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
