Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
