Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
