Please, let me fuck your mom
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
