I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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