I think I won the penis lottery.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
