Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
