Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
