Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
