You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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