My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
