nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
