i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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