I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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