Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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