i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
