someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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