I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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