We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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